Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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