Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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