Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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