I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
