Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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