apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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