I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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