She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
