Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
