my room smells like sperm. sweet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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