i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
