Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
