Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
no, he came in my armpit
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
