I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
