I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
