Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
