i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
