I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
