so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
