i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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