i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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