I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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