i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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