Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
