Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
