ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
