When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
