Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
