all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
