i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
