mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
