After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
