Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
