Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
