I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
