can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
