Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
