just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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