when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
