do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
