you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
