3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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