so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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