i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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