definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
