last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As shirtless as possible
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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