i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
