i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
