I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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