I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
