I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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